i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
