i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
