she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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