I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
