I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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