3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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