Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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