she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
