I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
