Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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