you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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