I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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