Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
