I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
