I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
