i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
