Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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