life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
