How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
