I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
