just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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