dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
