Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
