Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
