the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
