i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
