My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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