i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
