You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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