I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
