i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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