I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I AM VODKA MAN
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
