can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My liver just broke up with me...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
