He is such a slut. More and more my type.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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