May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
