I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
