the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
