I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
