a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
