Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
