I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
