I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
BRING THE BAGELS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
