Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
