We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
