Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
