On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
