he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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