The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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