I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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