Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
