Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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